Matthew Pincent's got nothing on me!

At my first, and so far only CBT session, the therapist suggested that for the moment I should continue as normal with my eating habits, but keep a diary around the emotions I feel when snacking throughout the day. She also recommended that I try to start exercising, but to find something that I enjoy.

Exercise? That I enjoy? Was she having a laugh? I am to exercise, what a fish is to a bicycle!!

I've tried several things in the past - I went to a 'proper gym' some time ago, not a poser one where the women look like Barbies - but one where men sweat, and the women glow - well ok, they sweat like pigs too, but there wasn't a bit of pink lycra in sight, so it was all good. I went for about 6 months, going in my specially extended lunch hours, or even before work on occasion. But I didn't feel comfortable there. I managed to 'pop' the blood pressure cuff on my first assessment visit. I'd like to say that it was due to my bulging bicep - but no, my arm was too fat. This gym also had a small pool and a jacuzzi, and as I became bored with the tedious monotony of bikes, cross trainers and treadmills, I swam more, and jacuzzied even more - so I stopped going.

Then I tried swimming with a friend, before work again, but although I like swimming, swimming up and down is monotonous too, so that ended.

Then my mom suggested that we went to a new style ladies 'gym', which involved 30 minute sessions where you spent 3 minutes on 10 machines - you could do it in your normal clothes as it didn't make you sweat. Great stuff I thought, but in hindsight - and isn't that a wonderful thing - how can exercise possibly work if you aren't exerting yourself - and I normally break into a sweat just putting my clothes on in the morning :-) So yep you've guessed it - that one got the boot too!

Then, at the height of the 'Strictly' phenomenon, a friend decided to set up a ballroom dancing class - so, I spoke to the other half, who was shockingly up for it. Ginger and Fred we weren't, (although obviously I was gazelle like in my grace) and we waltzed, tangoed and quick stepped it round the room for a good few weeks, I have to say I thoroughly enjoyed it - quality time with the OH and feeling like I had 'done something' exercise wise, but without feeling dead on my feet - but the OH's work got in the way, and that put the stoppers on that.

Purely by chance, I saw an ad for belly dancing - now that, I thought, I could do - I certainly had plenty of belly to shimmy! Probably not too enticing to watch, but heh, you've got to do what you love eh? So roped my mom into that, and we went for a couple of weeks, and then couldn't make it one week, and never went back - ridiculous eh?

So, I have been giving my new exercise some thought, and can't really think of anything I really fancy.... I would love to do some proper dance classes, but until some kind dance instructor decides to run some classes for porkers, I aint shakin my booty in public! (public collectively sighs with relief).

In the meantime, I think I may have to just try to do something a couple of times a week whatever it is, until I have the confidence to get my leotard on and shake it Beyonce style!

Last weekend I made a start on this, with a friend, and we walked 5 miles of the Greenway at Stratford. We felt particularly smug with ourselves despite stopping at the half way point for lunch - but I am slightly embarrassed to say that I was absolutely knackered after, and had to go to bed early!

This week the OH came home with a rowing machine, and I decided I would try it out, so I set the seat to where I wanted it, squatted in preparation over said seat, and lowered myself towards it. A normal person would have landed on the seat, and started rowing, but no, not me. In true weeble style, at the point of no return in the sitting motion, I miscalculated, missed the seat completely, landed with a thud on the bar, and then keeled over and landed in a heap on the floor crying with both pain and because I could imagine what it had looked like!

Anyway, after the first painful encounter - I thought I'd give it another go. So I set it all up again tonight. The dog legged it, obviously knowing I could lose control of my motor skills at any moment and land on him this time, but I soldiered on, managed to get on the machine without injury and rowed away merrily for a whole 12 minutes 47 seconds!! Wahoo - as I said, Matthew Pincent's got nothing on me!

So, the plan is to try to exercise for at least 1/2 hr, 3 times a week, and see how I go, I am so unfit that this could take a while to build up, but I intend to persevere.

Thinking of bikes this weekend - although that could spell a whole other lot of potential injuries - eek! I may well be blogging from A & E next time!

How can I think thin, if I don't know what thin looks like?

On every diet I've ever been on, one of the common themes, is to quote Paul McKenna ...'think yourself thin'... Sounds like a plan, yes? And most people can; they imagine themselves in their wedding dress, or an outfit they love, or a swimming cozzy they once slithered into with ease and every time they go to the fridge, I imagine that they imagine this svelte image of themselves, and hey presto, they close the fridge empty handed, and 'jobs a good 'un!' Several months of this behaviour, and the svelte figure returns, although you might want to rethink your favourite 80's ra-ra skirt, that was never a good look even if you do have killer pins!

I, on the other hand, have never been slim. Well that is a slight lie - I was born at a normal wight of 8lbs, and was average sized until I was about 9 years old, and then I was poorly (you can see in the picture just how thin I was), as I mentioned in the previous post - but after that the eating began, and I have just got heavier and heavier with age.

Some time ago, I came across a website where you could have your fat photo slimmed down, so I thought this might be a good idea, to get an idea of what I might look like - so I did - and scarily, when it came back, I look like an ugly version of my sister! Now, I would kill to have a figure like my sister (although I'd want bigger boobs - sorry Clare!)but the photo is only a guess-timate of what I would look like, so it still doesn't quite fit the bill.

You see, I have no idea what it feels like to be slim, now I'm not saying this as a sympathy vote, but I really don't. For example, I could never get my school skirts from the school uniform shop, and when I started horse riding properly at about 11 years old, I didn't get to ride the ponies like my peers, no - I got put on a chunky cob more suited to an adult! I have never run up a flight of stairs without needing oxygen at the top or worn a skirt in the summer without cycling style shorts underneath - so I don't actually know what I'm missing!

So I guess that this is another of those pesky obstacles that the CBT lady talked about, and it can be overcome. I suppose that I have to try and think how I felt as a 18 year, back when I was at college. I thought I was a heifer, compared to my lovely slim friends, but oh how I wish I could've just maintained that weight, instead of putting it on - minus the tapered jeans, and shapeless jumper!!

Is fat self inflicted?

Well the short answer, in probably 99% of cases (and my figures are not researched in any way) is a resounding YES - and I'm allowed to say that, because my name is Emma, and I am an over eater!

For me, I believe that my journey to obesity started with a medical problem aged about 10 years of age - I'll spare you the details, but suffice to say, the treatment involved enemas and the like. I seem to have been filling my face ever since.

Which brings me back to my question - 'Is fat self inflicted?' In my case, most certainly. The thing is, I'm not sure how to put this all right - and let out the normal sized person inside me.

To the cynics and fat haters out there, and there are plenty of them, just google 'fat people' and you'll see what I mean, I know what my problem is - I consume more calories, than the amount that I burn off - I am fat, not stupid. The thing is that no matter how many diets I try, and there have been a few, I simply lose the will to live after a couple of stone, and then put it all back on, and more. Why?????

I struggle to understand why anyone would want to be this fat; nice clothes are hard to find, bits of me chafe when the weathers hot, so much so that I do wonder whether I might spontaneously combust due to the friction, and there are so many fun activities that I am excluded from due to the worry that I am too big to do them. I could go on, but we could be here all day - maybe I'll save that for another post!

In a simple world, I would eat low fat health foods, cycle to work and go jogging several times a week, and bingo, several lost stone later I would be a sight to behold - simples - but this is not a simple world, and that hasn't happened so far.

I think where my opinion differs from the cynics I mentioned, is that although I totally accept that only I can do something about my fatness, and want to, there is some psychological barrier blocking the way and adding insult to injury it's waving a huge piece of cake in my face.

I once heard a radio station program which talked at length about the difficulties that women in particular suffer from when trying to lose significant amounts of weight. They talked about the food:exercise ratio, but also about the psychology behind over eating. The GP on the show recommended Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) as well as eating and exercising healthily. This really struck a chord with me, as I have always felt that I want to lose weight, but can't work out why it is so difficult for me to achieve this. So, I bit the bullet, after a couple of years admittedly of thinking about this, and booked my first CBT session. The therapist talked to me at length and sent me away to continue as I am (for the moment) and compile a diary recording what I eat when I am not hungry and the feelings I have at those times, so that we can work together to look at what my trigger factors are and what strategies I can employ to deal with these feelings.

She compared me to an alcoholic or drug addict, dut to the obsessive way that I think about food, so I'm hoping that the strategies that she helps me to build, will help me to think about food in a different way.

I'll keep you posted with the CBT sessions, but for me my fatness is most definately self inflicted, and I am the only one who can do anything about it. I just need a little help, and the CBT therapist, could be the help I need!