Christmas.......an excuse to overinduldge?

So - there it was, Merry Christmas!

And, da dad da da da daaaaahhhhhhh - the total loss now stands at 9 1/2 lbs, and counting, although I have to confess, I shall wait until I'm a week or two into the New year before I brave the scales again though!

So, since I last posted, I visited Hypno Lady for my final session, this involved being 'taken down' and having the 'band' tightened a little. In the actual gastric band procedure, this would be the injection of saline solution into a port placed just under your skin, so that it can be tightened or loosened as needed. I had the hypno equivalent......and fingers crossed, that should be it!

Hypno lady is going to give me a call every now and again to check on my progress, and I guess, that if I feel that I am going back to my wicked ways of old, then I can call on her for a top up session, but hopefully, that won't be necessary.

So, Christmas has been and gone, and a world record occurred in the Tookey family household......I did not finish my Christmas dinner! Admittedly there was a fair amount on my plate, but it consisted of plenty of veg, only a smallish helping of my favourite 'Daddy Tookey' stuffing and good old turkey. Normally, I would've polished off the lot, and then had a generous second helping of the aforementioned stuffing (which is amazing, I might add), but I didn't even finish the first helping! Wowsers.

As I have mentioned in a previous post - I would love to be losing weight at a quicker, more noticeable rate of knots, but I'm not going to be greedy (ha ha - oh the irony), and instead, be happy that it is indeed coming off, and so what if it takes a little while - it has taken me about 26 years to get to where I am now - hopefully it won't be 26 years back to a sensible weight! As long as it is coming off, and not going on, which it has been for the last 26 years, indeed I have put on about 6 stone in the last 10 years alone!!!!! Then, I am happy with that.

Although Hypno Lady has given me lots of literature and suggestions on types of food to eat, I feel almost naturally drawn to them. I do still have a bit of chocolate, crisps and other goodies, but they are no longer the norm, and I don't crave them like I did. If we haven't got anything 'nice' in - and that is now usually the case, I am not pacing like a caged animal, craving, to the point of needing something to get me through the night.

I realise, that if you read the last bit of that sentence, it does make me sound like some kind of addict, and in some ways I truly believe that I was (and probably always will be) and I suppose, that like a recovering alcoholic, I will always be a recovering over-eater. I know what my triggers are and if I feel those emotions coming on, then I need to steer myself onto another subject quickly.

This is not to say that my eating habits are perfect, but they are definitely better, and I am definitely eating less, and that is the goal!

I am not making any New Years resolutions this year, but I hope to continue the weight loss, and I also hope to take up some form of exercise, so we will see. Just wish me luck folks, and I will keep you updated.

Happy New Year.

xxx

T - 6 1/2 lbs (so far......)

Waaaaaahhhhhhhhoooooooooooo!






Yipeeeeeeeeeeeee!





Well, you may have gathered, that I am feeling happy, happy, happy. It's now been about two weeks since the hypnoband was 'fitted' and so far to date (with the exception of the first few weeks where I was a dope and didn't weigh myself), I have lost a total of 6 1/2 lbs. So far, so good. As a person, never satisfied with my lot, I would obviously have liked to lose more, but at least I am losing, and, as they say, if you lose it fast, it will not stay off.

Although in actual poundage, I haven't lost a huge amount, it is definitely starting to become noticeable in inches, well to me anyway. I recently bought a belt from a well known 'fat-clothes' shop and on purchasing a large, I could only do it up on the loosest hole. This morning, I managed the last but one tightest hole! Fabulous - and, I could still breathe!

I have already noticed some changes in my body, and I think that these may be also down to the types of food that I appear to be drawn to now, rather than sugar and carbs. Although I still have the odd packet of crisps, bar of chocolate, or can of pepsi, they are just that - odd, not the norm! I haven't bought crisps or pepsi in my weekly shop for at least 6 weeks now - maybe more, and believe me, that is a major achievement. So the changes then....well the main one is the little rubber rings that seem to be permanently lodged around my cankles (calves and ankles that do not go in and out where you would expect) have disappeared. I do still have fat ankles, but they are no longer puffy, which can only be a good thing!

I have suffered with a lack of waist line for many years, and instead am 'blessed' with a waste land - a vast expanse with no interesting features instead, but I am noticing it changing shape already.

Whether it is just that weight loss does wonders for your confidence, so you walk a little taller, therefore carrying your tub a bit higher, or whether I can really see the loss of so little on such a large bulk, I'm not sure, but either way, it's working for me!

I have even gone out in public (twice) in leggings (and knee high boots) and felt really good, even though I may have frightened the general public!

So, I continue listening to Hypno-Lady's dulcet tones on the cd she gave me after the 'op' every day and hope that my portion sizing gets a bit better - still struggle not to overload my plate, albeit a portion plate.

I will be going back to have my band loosened or tightened accordingly in the next few weeks, and carry on with any other nuggets of advice that Hypno-lady can pass my way!

Wish me luck, particularly, as I am eating out loads over the next few weeks!

Post Op

Well firstly, can I just say that when I weighed myself at the weekend, and I have lost at least a whole 4 1/2 lbs since this strange journey began! I say at least, as rather stupidly on my part, I didn't think to actually weigh myself before my first session, waiting instead until last weekend, as I had noticed that a pair of my previously snug jeans, now require a belt to avoid me taking on the 'yoof' trend of acres of pants sowing above the waist band. Not sure my favourite Bridget Jones will cut the mustard anyway!

So I have started off this week in fine fettle topped off with a Monday off work to recuperate from my 'operation'.

The whole surgery procedure started a week ago with me having a 'pre-op' where, under hypnosis, I got to 'meet' my surgeon and anaesthetist. Then last night from 9pm I wasn't allowed to eat anything, just like a real op. As soon as Hypno-Lady told me I would have to go a full half a day with no food, a ripple of panic spread through my body. How the hell was I going to do that? In reality though, that was my old way of thinking, since I have been having the hypnotherapy, I am thinking of food less and less. When it came to it, at 9pm last night, I wasn't in the slightest bit worried, and when I got up this morning and didn't have breakfast - it didn't bother me.....weird eh?

I arrived at Hypno-lady's house feeling a little apprehensive, as once I had the 'op', that's it, I am committed! Quite a scary feeling when you have pretended that you eat fairly healthily for years, and have only recently admitted to yourself, through completing diary sheets, that you did in fact, eat like pig.

So I got myself comfortable, listened to Hypno-Lady's dulcet tones, and drifted off into a hypnotic state. Hypno-Lady had explained that there would be an accompanying soundtrack, not all strings and big drums like a films, but instead the general hustle and bustle of a busy operating theatre including the beep beep of a heart monitor.

Hypno-Lady started off asking me whether I had stopped eating for the last 12 hours; I had and if I was prepared to make the changes necessary to lose weight - absolutely - when I said yes, I sounded very gruff though! I then walked into the reception of the hospital where I promptly imagined that I was posh, and was in Droitwich private hospital, as I had only been there last week visiting, and could draw on the images easily. She took me into my room, and had a nurse come to prep me for the op.

Quite soon after I was being wheeled down to surgery, complete with rattly trolley sounds, and had the anaesthetic then the 'operation' commenced - to be completely honest, the rest of the procedure is a bit of a blur, although Hypno-Lady was explaining the whole scenario, I must've been so deep under. The only thing I did recall is that I felt like I had pins and needles from my neck to my waist- strange huh? The next thing I knew I was being counted back into the room, and I really felt like I was walking through treacle to get back to reality. It was hard work!

So, the gastric band is now 'fitted', my body should now react as if I actually do have one. The small pouch of stomach above the band is golf ball sized, and as such I can only consume enough to fill it, although obviously it does pass down into the main part of the stomach, albeit at a slower rate, which helps the 'sensors' in your stomach react to the food eaten, and realise sooner that you are full up.

I have been issued with guidelines, the same ones that they give to people who have had the actual operation. Things like not drinking with meals, because it helps to wash the food through quickly, trying to eat more chunky foods, as things like soup and ice-cream pass through more easily, bypassing the pouch and it's 'sensors'.

I drove home, and recuperated for the morning, chilling out watching day time tv with the pooch, and then decided that a new start should be more than just the 'op'. So, I cleared out the fridge of all the old crap, planned my lunches and evening meals for the next week, and then hit the supermarket. My shopping bill was half my normal weekly amount, bonus, and my fridge is stocked with healthy but full fat items - Hypno Lady recommends not to eat low fat due to the high levels of sugar.

I made a cottage pie for tea (much to Neil's amazement) which made 6 human and one dog sized portion, I froze two of them for future use and put two others in tubs for lunch tomorrow. I then wrote our evening meals on my kitchen blackboard, with strict instructions to Neil not to deviate from them. That bit of control, knowing what I am having each day helps me to not think about food!

So my instructions now are, to listen to a Hypno cd every day for the next few weeks and follow the post op guidelines.

I have to go back for a final 'adjustment' in a few weeks, this is where in a real op, the surgeon would inject water, or remove it through the port just under your skin, to inflate or deflate the ring, and control the size of the hole the food passes through. Hypno-lady will then continue to stay in contact every six weeks or so, to see the progression.

I finally feel like I have taken control, and that I am the one who controls how much food goes into my mouth, not my stomach!

Fingers crossed xx

Poo and prickly yellow balls....

So, I visited Hypno lady for my second session a week or two ago. We briefly discussed how the first week had gone, and how I had found keeping the food diary so far.

She looked it over, and said that I have made a good start, despite having had a chip shop dinner one of the nights, and a few pieces of cake here and there! In fairness, I was chuffed to bits with my good start which may make you (and me) realise actually how much I do normally shove down the old cake hole every day.

So - what had changed in the last week? - my first session hadn't actually been a 'session' so to speak, just an information gathering session for the Hypno lady. Maybe it was just because I had decided that I was going to give it a good go this time. So the chip shop dinner, was still a lard-fest, but the small sausage, partial portion of chips and day-glo mushy peas I had, was certainly better than the usual pie or large fish, all my chips and a curry sauce, oh and maybe a slice of bread, and a can or two of pepsi to wash it down. The cake was also instead of the chocolate and crisps I usually consume, and was home made. HOME MADE, damn it - that doesn't happen very often. And the best bit - there was still some in the cupboard three days after I made it. Result - I hadn't scoffed it all - yeah!

****BODILY FUNCTION WARNING****** if you are offended by them, you may not wish to read any further, you have been warned!

So the second session, began - Hypno Lady asked me whether I felt ready for some regression hypnotherapy, I settled into my comfy chair, put my feet up and began. She talked the usual hypno chat - relaxing me good and proper, then she asked my subconscious to come to the fore, so that I could work out when the life of fat began. She told me that I was in a posh library, where I could see a volume of 34 books, and each one represented a year of my life - she wanted me to choose one of the volumes and tell her what was in it.

I have to say, at this point, I was so relaxed my leg had fallen off the foot rest, and made me jump, but this question really perplexed me. I could see the books clear as day, but I couldn't bring myself to pick one out. Then I felt as though I was spinning in a swivel chair with an elusive thought, like a cloud floating around above my head. Then after much thinking (and face pulling, like me badly acting a 'thoughtful pose') the cloud and I collided, and BAM, I reached for volume 9.

Hypno-lady asked me what was in volume 9, and I told her that it was when we moved to America, and when I went, almost overnight, from being a normal sized, well actually painfully thin child, to putting on weight in a pretty continuous momentum there forward!

So I explained how prior to us moving to the States, my mom had been worried about me as I had lost a lot of weight and constantly had the trots. The GP over here said there was nothing wrong. When we got to America, we had to have a full medical before we were allowed to go to school, and when my mom mentioned how I had been, the doctor poked and prodded my stomach and said that I needed to go to hospital. Apparently I had an impacted gut, and if it had perforated, I could have died!

Anyway I try not to think about my hospital experience, as despite it not even being an overnight stay, it really traumatised me and obviously the combination of being a 9 year old, being poked and prodded in the bottom area, is not something I want to relive, however, Hypno Lady asked me to talk her through what had happened, and probably for the first time ever, instead of remembering snippets of the event, I told her in much greater detail than I'll share here, what had happened, I could recall a lot more than I ever had thought.

Anyway Hypno Lady and I discussed it while I was 'under' and we seemed to get to the 'bottom' *aherm* of the matter, and it seems that, to cut a long story short, I overeat in part, to keep myself regular, and therefore avoid the impacted gut scenario again. This is backed up by the fact that if I do ever get constipated, and thankfully it's not something that happens regularly, I almost panic, ridiculous eh?

She then went on to ask adult Emma to revisit little Emma in the hospital and assure her that things would be ok, and that a healthy diet would help to maintain the 'flow' so to speak. She then asked me what the panic/fear aspect of the whole situation looked like, she asked me to give it a colour and a shape. The first thing that came to mind was a yellow prickly ball - no idea why. She then asked me which part of my body held it, and I said my shoulders. She then took me through a relaxation exercise and got me to exchange the yellow prickly ball for something more relaxing - a different colour, I chose purple. She talked me through this, getting me to imagine it smoothing away the yellow prickly ball and replacing it with the relaxed purple instead and then.....

3,2,1 and I was back in the room and in a little bit of shock, you see I had always kind of known that the whole trigger factor for my weight gain had been around this time, simply because I had gone from being skinny to podgy, almost over night, but I had never found out which aspect of that experience was the 'thing'.

It is a very strange experience being hypnotised, I am sure it's probably different for everyone, dependant on your susceptibility, but for me, it's extremely gruelling. I don't come out of it feeling relaxed - I am while I'm having it, but I am exhausted afterwards, I feel like my brain has had a massive workout, and I am usually absolutely knackered, but I also feel like each week a little lighter, not in physical mass, hopefully that will come soon, but in mind, like something I locked up a long time ago is being let go a bit each week, and that is a nice feeling to have.

So, my homework is to maintain my food diary, which I am doing, and am noticing a definite reduction in overall food consumption, although I still may not be eating the 'perfect diet' as such. Then in my next session will be a general relaxation hypnotherapy session and some questions around where, why and what I eat, in preparation for the hypno-band sessions to start, then it's the actual 'op' but more about that next time. xx

Hypno?

Hello all, my sincere apologies for not sticking to my word and writing about my ongoing exploits. To be honest, I haven't felt inspired - mainly because I had begun down the slippery slope of beginning to give up....yet again!

Enter stage left, my mom, with an interesting email. My mom, like me, has been in a battle with her own weight (since she was about 30), she has probably tried every diet known to man, and has had varying successes, but she never gives up, and is always on the look out for the next breakthrough in the world of fat, and she came across an article on the hypnoband.

Now, I won't try and explain it all in detail, but suffice to say a therapist hypnotises you to believe that you have had a gastric band fitted, and therefore as your subconscious tends to control these bad eating habits, it to believes that you can now only eat small amounts, and should help you to consume less.

If you want to read more on it, there's plenty of info on the internet.

As you know I had already had several CBT sessions, which I felt had only scratched the surface of my eating problems , but had helped me to deal with a couple of issues that I didn't even really know were issues, small insignificant things that are just part of daily life, but that were being blown up into something larger by my obsessive thinking, and being fed by an assortment of nice cakes etc.

Anyway, the hypnoband looked interesting, and after some research (done by my mom) we located a lady - lets call her Hypno lady, who offers not only hypnoband, but, general hypnotherapy, psychotherapy and CBT.

I went to see her last week, and talked for a couple of hours, while she looked into my background. I told her all about the CBT that I have already had, and she has given me diet sheets to start with.

My next session is on Tuesday, and I am having regression hypnotherapy, not the sort where maybe I was Florence Nightingale, or Queen Victoria in a previous life - but just regression to a point where, and I quote ...'your subconscious thinks it would be helpful to go back to'...

I have to say I am a little apprehensive about this - I have no idea where my pesky subconscious will take me to, but hopefully after this session, Hypno Lady will know what direction to take with me, whether that be continuing with CBT, trying hypnotherapy or getting the hypnoband 'fitted' but whatever that may be - I'm back on board, and trying again!

xx

How Rude?

Well I am sorry to say that I have fluffed all my good work up. :-(

Since the last post, although I had a really good start keeping a diary and sticking to the 'plan', for some reason - and I can't put my finger on why, after a week or so of keeping a really good diary and mindfully eating a good 50% of the time, I just stopped and reverted back to my old bad habits.

I am due to see CBT lady next week, and I have to say I can't wait, because although I am trying each day, for some reason it's just not happening for me at the moment.

I have absolutely not given up though, I just need a good talking to from CBT lady next week and hopefully she'll set me back on the path again. here's hoping :-)

Anyway - to the real subject of the post, a bit of a rant I'm afraid.......

Where do people get off on being blatantly rude to your face when you're fat? Do they think that there caustic comments won't penetrate your blubber, or do they just assume that because you're a bit more portly than the average bear, you are stupid, therefore have no feelings? Simple mistake to make I'm sure!

When reading any 'quality' magazines, occasionally you will come across a 'real life' story that will be talking about some former fat person who has lost a substantial load of weight, they will often mention the fact that a comment prompted them to take a long hard look at themselves and hey presto - they are shamed into shedding the pounds. I thought that maybe that would happen to me too, but it hasn't yet, I just feel humiliated and then annoyed with myself that I didn't come back with a witty retort at the time.

Over the years I am sure that there have been numerous occasions where I have had comments made, but here are a few of my personal 'favourites';

The last time I had successfully lost almost three stone (and was feeling a little smug and pleased with myself) - I went on a walk in my lunch break, and whilst walking at a little under warp speed, I sped past the local first school, only to have one of the 'delightful little kiddies' shout 'Look at the fat lady.' and then collapse into peels of laughter with their mates. I felt awful and humiliated despite them being 8 or 9 years old.

On my birthday a few years ago, a group of us were all glammed up and walking through Birmingham, when a stretched limo full of pissed up lads (I like to think, it would explain their rudeness) pulled up at the lights just next to us, and one of the 'charming gentlemen' shouted very imaginatively 'Oi fatty' - I shrugged it off and carried on walking, but inside I was desperately hoping for a witty and withering reply to pop into my head so that I could respond appropriately - but nothing! My sister, apparently was really offended on my behalf and got quite upset about it, but I tried not to let it spoil my night - which it didn't, but 3 or 4 years later, I can still remember it standing out, so it obviously did make more of an impact than I would've liked.

Only last week, it had been a cool and overcast day after a couple of scorchio days, I was walking to my car, and passed a little old lady who said 'Ooh it's a bit cooler today isn't it?' , I, whilst smiling politely (must be polite to your elders) answered something non-committal like 'Hmmm, yes' - she then replied 'Well, I expect you like it better like this don't you?'

Now in my head, she may as well have added.....'because you get so hot being soooooo fat don't you?'. I don't think I was being paranoid in thinking this, because she also gave me the look of pity to go with it! Cheeky mare. Oh yeah, and the same week one of my service users, whilst talking about her own weight battle said 'I mean, it's like you isn't it, you'd be really pretty if you weren't so big' - thanks love, made my day!

Does it not occur to the person making the comment that you may already know that you are fat? You certainly don't need it pointing out, usually quite loudly and in a crowded place. When people say unfinished things like 'Oooh you've got a nice face........' and want to say .....'shame about the body.' It can become really quite offensive.

I certainly would hope that if I notice someone who is a little different, I certainly wouldn't be pointing it out to the world and his wife!

So the message is - Please think before you make an unnecessary 'fat-ist' comment! It really hurts peoples feelings.

Ok - rant over now - thanks for listening :-)

Does my bum look big in this purple lycra jumpsuit?

Firstly folks - sorry for the delay in posting, no excuses, just life taking over as usual!

Well, I have now had three sessions of CBT, and things seem to be going well. Unfortunately there has been no dramatic weight loss, although I have lost 1.5 lbs, which I appreciate isn't very much over about 6 weeks, but it is a start, and it is a loss, and I actually haven't changed what I eat at all, just my habits a little.

So the second CBT was a bit of a blub fest - we talked about the fact that I emotionally eat, and as I had kept a diary detailing what emotions I felt before and after I ate anything between meals prior to the session, we established what emotions were causing me to stuff my face. The verdict was it seemed, pretty much any negative emotion, a bit miffed, a bit sad and so on. Only when we delved into the dark corners of my mind, these minor episodes of miffedness, were, it seemed - big buggers! All the little miffeds and all the little sads had added up to make a big old monster and as a result I cried on the poor therapist for the best part of an hour - felt much better after and hadn't realised that all those feelings were bubbling around inside, making me eat cake - the fiends!

I don't think that the therapist thought that I would go back after the blub fest, but return I did - with some trepidation though, I might add.

The third session went really well, we talked around how I could deal with my negative day to day emotions in ways other than eating, and after lengthy discussion, came to the conclusion, that for me planning is the key - successful diets in the past have involved completing a meal plan for the week and shopping only for those meals and snacks, that way, I know exactly what I am having, when, and can look forward to it. This way of eating seems to help me plan for the snacks too, and therefore I don't gorge myself (most of the time - but then nobody's perfect!)



So here comes the science bit, although technically it's psychology I guess.....as CBT lady is still wading through my mind trying to work out what makes me tick, she has set me a little experiment to try until the next session;

Firstly I am to use my portion plate - this is a plate marked out with approximate portions for carbs, proteins and veg - and it's not as big as a normal dinner plate - from the pic, you can see the difference.



This is proving to be quite easy - most of the time, it makes you realise how much extra I do eat, and when I use it, I feel comfortably full after, not stuffed silly!

The second thing is to keep a diary for absolutely everything that passes my lips - I've kept diaries before, but the difference here is that I am being totally honest in completing it; I have to list what I eat, how I feel or what I am doing prior to eating, whether it was mindful eating (which I'll go on to) and how I felt after. I also have to detail whether I have completed any relaxing activities, and any exercise.

Ok - so when I normally eat - I eat mindlessly - i.e. I have a plate of food, bag of crisps, whatever in front of me and the paper, a book or magazine or the tv on, or if I'm at work, I'm doing three jobs at once, so I eat until the food has gone. When I finish it, I am unsatisfied, because I didn't really taste it, and so I eat something else, usually while reading the paper, a book or magazine, I finish, am unsatisfied, and so the cycle goes on, only usually stopping when I feel uncomfortably full. So my challenge this week - and thankfully, it does not involve any Challenge Aneka style purple lycra jumpsuits - although frankly, my arse would out trump hers so to speak in the size department! - is to eat MINDFULLY - that is, to eat my food giving it my full attention, savour every morsel, and eat it slowly - not just shovelling it in. That way, there is more of a chance of me noticing when I am become full. In fact, only a couple of days ago I practised this technique, and actually left some food on my plate - it was mashed potato, my absolute favorite, so this is unheard of! I did have to give it the dog immediately to avoid succumbing to any moments of weakness - but I did it - yay!

The other thing that she wants me to try out is to set myself meal and snack times. For some reason unbeknown to me, I can go from breakfast to lunch with no snacks in between and do so regularly, it seems that for some reason my mind dictates that I am not allowed to eat until the big and little hands are both on the 12, and then anything is fair game. So the plan is simple - eat a larger breakfast than my normal slice of toast, have a snack for elevenses, then my lunch, a snack mid afternoon and then my tea. That way I have snacks and meals to look forward to and theoretically, this should stop me getting attacks of the munchies throughout the day.

CBT lady has said that at the moment, she doesn't mind what I eat as my snacks and meals at the moment, she wants me to try and establish the 'habit' first - once I have this new habit, then I can try exchanging the snacks for more healthy options. In the meantime, I am still eating the same amount of food, but spreading it out over the day differently.

After chatting about my 'typical' day - CBT lady has suggested that I need to find something other than food to wind down with at the end of the day. Usually the first thing I do when I get in from work is put the kettle on and grab some Walkers. Now, she wants me to try an alternative way of winding down - going for a walk, reading a book - whatever works for me, and to do this for 20 minutes or so, then eat my crisps (mindfully) and eventually once the other method of winding down is established - stop the crisps.

So far, it's been a bit hit and miss, I am finding eating mindlessly very very difficult - I don't seem to think about eating mindlessly until after I've eaten, but the diary is helping. I've been for a couple of walks, and am reading most days after work, to help relax.

My next session is next week, and maybe I am now on the slow road to getting there....here's hoping!

Matthew Pincent's got nothing on me!

At my first, and so far only CBT session, the therapist suggested that for the moment I should continue as normal with my eating habits, but keep a diary around the emotions I feel when snacking throughout the day. She also recommended that I try to start exercising, but to find something that I enjoy.

Exercise? That I enjoy? Was she having a laugh? I am to exercise, what a fish is to a bicycle!!

I've tried several things in the past - I went to a 'proper gym' some time ago, not a poser one where the women look like Barbies - but one where men sweat, and the women glow - well ok, they sweat like pigs too, but there wasn't a bit of pink lycra in sight, so it was all good. I went for about 6 months, going in my specially extended lunch hours, or even before work on occasion. But I didn't feel comfortable there. I managed to 'pop' the blood pressure cuff on my first assessment visit. I'd like to say that it was due to my bulging bicep - but no, my arm was too fat. This gym also had a small pool and a jacuzzi, and as I became bored with the tedious monotony of bikes, cross trainers and treadmills, I swam more, and jacuzzied even more - so I stopped going.

Then I tried swimming with a friend, before work again, but although I like swimming, swimming up and down is monotonous too, so that ended.

Then my mom suggested that we went to a new style ladies 'gym', which involved 30 minute sessions where you spent 3 minutes on 10 machines - you could do it in your normal clothes as it didn't make you sweat. Great stuff I thought, but in hindsight - and isn't that a wonderful thing - how can exercise possibly work if you aren't exerting yourself - and I normally break into a sweat just putting my clothes on in the morning :-) So yep you've guessed it - that one got the boot too!

Then, at the height of the 'Strictly' phenomenon, a friend decided to set up a ballroom dancing class - so, I spoke to the other half, who was shockingly up for it. Ginger and Fred we weren't, (although obviously I was gazelle like in my grace) and we waltzed, tangoed and quick stepped it round the room for a good few weeks, I have to say I thoroughly enjoyed it - quality time with the OH and feeling like I had 'done something' exercise wise, but without feeling dead on my feet - but the OH's work got in the way, and that put the stoppers on that.

Purely by chance, I saw an ad for belly dancing - now that, I thought, I could do - I certainly had plenty of belly to shimmy! Probably not too enticing to watch, but heh, you've got to do what you love eh? So roped my mom into that, and we went for a couple of weeks, and then couldn't make it one week, and never went back - ridiculous eh?

So, I have been giving my new exercise some thought, and can't really think of anything I really fancy.... I would love to do some proper dance classes, but until some kind dance instructor decides to run some classes for porkers, I aint shakin my booty in public! (public collectively sighs with relief).

In the meantime, I think I may have to just try to do something a couple of times a week whatever it is, until I have the confidence to get my leotard on and shake it Beyonce style!

Last weekend I made a start on this, with a friend, and we walked 5 miles of the Greenway at Stratford. We felt particularly smug with ourselves despite stopping at the half way point for lunch - but I am slightly embarrassed to say that I was absolutely knackered after, and had to go to bed early!

This week the OH came home with a rowing machine, and I decided I would try it out, so I set the seat to where I wanted it, squatted in preparation over said seat, and lowered myself towards it. A normal person would have landed on the seat, and started rowing, but no, not me. In true weeble style, at the point of no return in the sitting motion, I miscalculated, missed the seat completely, landed with a thud on the bar, and then keeled over and landed in a heap on the floor crying with both pain and because I could imagine what it had looked like!

Anyway, after the first painful encounter - I thought I'd give it another go. So I set it all up again tonight. The dog legged it, obviously knowing I could lose control of my motor skills at any moment and land on him this time, but I soldiered on, managed to get on the machine without injury and rowed away merrily for a whole 12 minutes 47 seconds!! Wahoo - as I said, Matthew Pincent's got nothing on me!

So, the plan is to try to exercise for at least 1/2 hr, 3 times a week, and see how I go, I am so unfit that this could take a while to build up, but I intend to persevere.

Thinking of bikes this weekend - although that could spell a whole other lot of potential injuries - eek! I may well be blogging from A & E next time!

How can I think thin, if I don't know what thin looks like?

On every diet I've ever been on, one of the common themes, is to quote Paul McKenna ...'think yourself thin'... Sounds like a plan, yes? And most people can; they imagine themselves in their wedding dress, or an outfit they love, or a swimming cozzy they once slithered into with ease and every time they go to the fridge, I imagine that they imagine this svelte image of themselves, and hey presto, they close the fridge empty handed, and 'jobs a good 'un!' Several months of this behaviour, and the svelte figure returns, although you might want to rethink your favourite 80's ra-ra skirt, that was never a good look even if you do have killer pins!

I, on the other hand, have never been slim. Well that is a slight lie - I was born at a normal wight of 8lbs, and was average sized until I was about 9 years old, and then I was poorly (you can see in the picture just how thin I was), as I mentioned in the previous post - but after that the eating began, and I have just got heavier and heavier with age.

Some time ago, I came across a website where you could have your fat photo slimmed down, so I thought this might be a good idea, to get an idea of what I might look like - so I did - and scarily, when it came back, I look like an ugly version of my sister! Now, I would kill to have a figure like my sister (although I'd want bigger boobs - sorry Clare!)but the photo is only a guess-timate of what I would look like, so it still doesn't quite fit the bill.

You see, I have no idea what it feels like to be slim, now I'm not saying this as a sympathy vote, but I really don't. For example, I could never get my school skirts from the school uniform shop, and when I started horse riding properly at about 11 years old, I didn't get to ride the ponies like my peers, no - I got put on a chunky cob more suited to an adult! I have never run up a flight of stairs without needing oxygen at the top or worn a skirt in the summer without cycling style shorts underneath - so I don't actually know what I'm missing!

So I guess that this is another of those pesky obstacles that the CBT lady talked about, and it can be overcome. I suppose that I have to try and think how I felt as a 18 year, back when I was at college. I thought I was a heifer, compared to my lovely slim friends, but oh how I wish I could've just maintained that weight, instead of putting it on - minus the tapered jeans, and shapeless jumper!!

Is fat self inflicted?

Well the short answer, in probably 99% of cases (and my figures are not researched in any way) is a resounding YES - and I'm allowed to say that, because my name is Emma, and I am an over eater!

For me, I believe that my journey to obesity started with a medical problem aged about 10 years of age - I'll spare you the details, but suffice to say, the treatment involved enemas and the like. I seem to have been filling my face ever since.

Which brings me back to my question - 'Is fat self inflicted?' In my case, most certainly. The thing is, I'm not sure how to put this all right - and let out the normal sized person inside me.

To the cynics and fat haters out there, and there are plenty of them, just google 'fat people' and you'll see what I mean, I know what my problem is - I consume more calories, than the amount that I burn off - I am fat, not stupid. The thing is that no matter how many diets I try, and there have been a few, I simply lose the will to live after a couple of stone, and then put it all back on, and more. Why?????

I struggle to understand why anyone would want to be this fat; nice clothes are hard to find, bits of me chafe when the weathers hot, so much so that I do wonder whether I might spontaneously combust due to the friction, and there are so many fun activities that I am excluded from due to the worry that I am too big to do them. I could go on, but we could be here all day - maybe I'll save that for another post!

In a simple world, I would eat low fat health foods, cycle to work and go jogging several times a week, and bingo, several lost stone later I would be a sight to behold - simples - but this is not a simple world, and that hasn't happened so far.

I think where my opinion differs from the cynics I mentioned, is that although I totally accept that only I can do something about my fatness, and want to, there is some psychological barrier blocking the way and adding insult to injury it's waving a huge piece of cake in my face.

I once heard a radio station program which talked at length about the difficulties that women in particular suffer from when trying to lose significant amounts of weight. They talked about the food:exercise ratio, but also about the psychology behind over eating. The GP on the show recommended Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) as well as eating and exercising healthily. This really struck a chord with me, as I have always felt that I want to lose weight, but can't work out why it is so difficult for me to achieve this. So, I bit the bullet, after a couple of years admittedly of thinking about this, and booked my first CBT session. The therapist talked to me at length and sent me away to continue as I am (for the moment) and compile a diary recording what I eat when I am not hungry and the feelings I have at those times, so that we can work together to look at what my trigger factors are and what strategies I can employ to deal with these feelings.

She compared me to an alcoholic or drug addict, dut to the obsessive way that I think about food, so I'm hoping that the strategies that she helps me to build, will help me to think about food in a different way.

I'll keep you posted with the CBT sessions, but for me my fatness is most definately self inflicted, and I am the only one who can do anything about it. I just need a little help, and the CBT therapist, could be the help I need!